A burglar broke into a house one night.. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
‘Jesus knows you’re here.’
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
‘Jesus is watching you.’
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.

‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’
The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’
‘Moses,’ replied the bird.
‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’
‘The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’

You have to stay in shape. Grandma Gatt, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is!

Getting Forgetful In My Old Age…

Always give 100% at work:
12%  Monday
23%  Tuesday
40%  Wednesday
20%  Thursday
5%  Friday

THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY

Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Ya’ know… there’s big money in kidneys… and this guy’s got two of ‘em.
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Damn! There go the lights again…
That’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Sterile, schemerle. The floor’s clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.
Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
Isn’t this the guy with the really lousy insurance?