Archive for Funny Stuff
9 Reasons Why Sid Gatt Got Banned From His local Department Store!
Posted by: | CommentsThings a sad git does in a department store…
He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ Emergency services had to be called.
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.
Hid in a ladies clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
And last, but not least:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.
Please don’t do these at home folks – unless you’re a sad git!
One Way To Stop Your Other Half From Farting So Loudly!
Posted by: | CommentsThis story is about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had gotten him back pretty good.
About Twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what the matter was. He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife.
“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, And today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
This has definitely stopped me farting altogether!
Doctor is it serious?
Posted by: | CommentsAfter a visit to the whore house, a man notices green lumps on his willy, so he goes to the doctors.
“That’s serious!” says the doctor.
“How Serious?” asks the man, worried.
“You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?” asks the doctor.
“Yes”, says the man seriously.
“Well”, says the doctor, “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”
Are YOU Insured For Sex!?
Posted by: | CommentsThe following is a list of the correct insurance companies for sex …(Sorry these are mainly UK insurance companies!)
SEX with your wife – legal & general
SEX with your future wife – Mutual Trust
SEX with your secretary – Employers Liability
SEX with a prostitute – Commercial Union
SEX on the telephone – Direct line
SEX with your biographer – Quote me happy
SEX in a hurry- Insure & go
SEX with your boyfriend -standard life
SEX with a transvestite – confused.com
SEX with some one different – go compare.com
SEX with an animal – compare the meerkat . com
SEX with a fat bird – More Than
SEX on the back seat – sheila’s wheels
SEX with an o.a.p – saga
SEX with a posh bird – privilege .com
SEX with a sheep – Farmers Union
I Get Lucky With Women!
Posted by: | CommentsSid Gatt…
I have a new chat up line that works every time! It doesn’t matter how
gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a
winner and I always end up in bed with them. Here’s how it goes,
“Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell
like chloroform to you?”
Funny One Liners!
Posted by: | Comments1. Phone answering machine message: ”…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…”
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts”
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any!
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high”
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve had to amputate your arms”
7. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it!
9. An ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands. Police suspect that he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream for that”
11. “Doc I can’t stop singing: The Green, Green Grass of Home.” ”That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” ”Is it common?” ”It’s not unusual”
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” ”Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him”. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m just going to have to put him down.” “What, you must be joking, just because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy”
13. Guy goes into the doctor’s. ”Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.” “How’s that?” “Now, don’t you start”
14. Two elephants walk off a cliff… boom, boom!
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. Now come on, think about it, you’re not stupid
16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it’
17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think its Colin
18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other: ”Your round” The other one says: ”So are you, you fat bastard!”
19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off
20. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said: ‘Parking Fine.’ So wasn’t that nice?”
21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places”. The doctor said, “Well be sensible, and don’t go there anymore!”
22. Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb, as digging continues into the night.
Old Fart Pride!
Posted by: | CommentsI’m passing this on as I did not want to be the only old fart receiving it. Actually, it’s not
a bad thing to be called, as you will see. Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting
events; during the playing of God save the Queen or Land of Hope & Glory,
Old Farts remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment.
They know the words and believe in them.
Old Farts remember World War II, Pearl Harbour, Guadalcanal, Normandy
and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold
War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions
from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam .
If you bump into an Old Fart on the pavement he will apologize. If you pass an
Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady.
Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to women.
Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking,
make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
Old Farts get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and
they don’t like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.
Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag
unless it’s about their children or grandchildren.
It’s the Old Farts who know our great country is protected, not by politicians,
but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.
This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility,
pride in their country and decent values.
We need them now more than ever.
Thank God for Old Farts!
Pass this on to all the “Old Farts” you know. I was taught to respect my elders.
It’s just getting harder to find them.
Winners Never Quit!
Posted by: | CommentsIf quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”? (Probably Sid Gatt!?)
Life Explained!
Posted by: | CommentsOn the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
So God agreed……
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”
And God agreed……
On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed again……
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God. “You asked for it.”
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service.
