Archive for Funny Stuff
Top FIVE Tricks To Liven Up A Meeting…
Posted by: | CommentsTOP FIVE TRICKS TO LIVEN UP A MEETING…
1. Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.
2. Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.
3. Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.
4. Complain loudly that your neighbour won’t stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.
5. Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say “uh-huh, uh-huh!”
That should about put an end to boring meetings! Sid
The Divorced BARBY Doll…
Posted by: | CommentsOne day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, ‘How much for one of those Barbie’s in the display window?’
The salesperson answers, ‘Which one do you mean, Sir? We have:
Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95′.
The amazed father asks: ‘It’s what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?’
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs,& answers:
‘Sir…, Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Furniture,
Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends,
and a key chain made with Ken’s balls.
Old Fart Pride!
Posted by: | CommentsI’m passing this on as I did not want to be the only old fart receiving it. Actually, it’s not
a bad thing to be called, as you will see. Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting
events; during the playing of God save the Queen or Land of Hope & Glory,
Old Farts remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment.
They know the words and believe in them.
Old Farts remember World War II, Pearl Harbour, Guadalcanal, Normandy
and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold
War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions
from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam .
If you bump into an Old Fart on the pavement he will apologize. If you pass an
Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady.
Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to women.
Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking,
make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
Old Farts get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and
they don’t like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.
Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag
unless it’s about their children or grandchildren.
It’s the Old Farts who know our great country is protected, not by politicians,
but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.
This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility,
pride in their country and decent values.
We need them now more than ever.
Thank God for Old Farts!
Pass this on to all the “Old Farts” you know. I was taught to respect my elders.
It’s just getting harder to find them.
I Get Lucky With Women!
Posted by: | CommentsSid Gatt…
I have a new chat up line that works every time! It doesn’t matter how
gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a
winner and I always end up in bed with them. Here’s how it goes,
“Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell
like chloroform to you?”
Young Sid Gatt when he was at school…
Posted by: | CommentsA teacher asks her class, ‘If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence, and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?’
She calls on little Sid Gattt .
He replies, ‘None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.’
The teacher replies , ‘The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.’
Then little Sid says, ‘I have a question for YOU Miss Rogers’.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking on the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?’
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ‘Well, I suppose the one that’s
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.’
To which Little Sid replies, ‘The correct answer is ‘The one with the
wedding-ring on, ‘but I like your thinking.’
Some More Jokes Involving Sid Gatt…
Posted by: | CommentsSome more jokes involving Sid Gatt…
Sid Gatt has just come out of the ‘chippy’ with a meat and potato pie,
large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two
days’. Sid tells him ‘I wish I had your will power!’
Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. Sid
thought to himself ‘She’ll be lucky with a face like that!’
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, ‘Dad, what’s love juice?’
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, ‘So what were you watching?’
Billy says, ‘ Wimbledon .’
Sid Gatt jokes about getting naked…
A woman friend is standing nude in front of a mirror says to Sid Gatt, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.’
He replies, ‘Your eyesight is perfect.’
Sid Gatt gets naked and asks girlfriend, ‘What turns you on more, my
handsome face or my sexy body?’
Girlfriend looks him up & down and replies, ‘Your sense of humour!
An elderly lady is attending Mass and sits next to Sid Gatt.
About halfway through, she leans over and says to Sid, ‘I just
let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?’
Sid replies, ‘Put a new battery in your hearing aid, darling!’
Please send in your jokes – in the comments box!
Getting OLD is when…
Posted by: | CommentsOLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don’t need fiber today.
4. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!! 5. You can’t remember the other good ones…..
Life Explained!
Posted by: | CommentsOn the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
So God agreed……
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”
And God agreed……
On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed again……
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God. “You asked for it.”
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service.
Always Give 100% At Work!
Posted by: | CommentsAlways give 100% at work:
12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday
THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY
Posted by: | CommentsTHINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Ya’ know… there’s big money in kidneys… and this guy’s got two of ‘em.
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Damn! There go the lights again…
That’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Sterile, schemerle. The floor’s clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.
Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
Isn’t this the guy with the really lousy insurance?
