1. Phone answering machine message:   ”…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…”
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts”
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any!
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf.  He said, “No, the steaks are too high”
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.  A strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.  He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”  The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve had to amputate your arms”
7. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.  They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it!
9. An ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands. Police suspect that he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream for that”
11. “Doc I can’t stop singing: The Green, Green Grass of Home.”  ”That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”  ”Is it common?”  ”It’s not unusual”
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”  ”Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him”.  So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m just going to have to put him down.” “What, you must be joking, just because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy”
13. Guy goes into the doctor’s.  ”Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.” “How’s that?” “Now, don’t you start”
14. Two elephants walk off a cliff… boom, boom!
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.  Now come on, think about it, you’re not stupid
16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it’
17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.  There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.  It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.  But I think its Colin
18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other:  ”Your round” The other one says:  ”So are you, you fat bastard!”
19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off
20. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.  They left a little note on the windscreen.  It said: ‘Parking Fine.’  So wasn’t that nice?”
21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places”.  The doctor said, “Well be sensible, and don’t go there anymore!”
22. Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.  Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb, as digging continues into the night.